Power News :: Politics

Anderson in prison

Independent presidential candidate John Anderson is in prison today, charged with practicing medicine without a license. Anderson was arrested in New York yesterday during a speech after a woman held up her seven-month-old baby for Anderson to kiss. The candidate reportedly then performed a impromptu surgery on the child by reaching down its throat and yanking out its tonsils. The child was apparently startled but is unharmed, and plans to vote Republican in November.

Carter in Yugoslavia

Sources close to the President have leaked to POWER NEWS correspondents word of a massive scandal in President Carter’s state visit to Yugoslavia. Rumor has it that Carter, who was trying to make a speech in Slavic at the time, accidentally ordered wife Rosalyn to moon the crowded room of assembled diplomats, before himself turning to urinate on President Tito’s coffin.

Proxmire blows the whistle

Wisconsin Democratic Senator William Proxmire, famous for blowing the whistle on wasteful government spending, has announced that he has discovered yet another example of government boondoggle. Proxmire said this week that officials of the Pentagon have been spending up to fourteen million dollars a year to buy tickets to the Frazer Smith Radio Show for top military brass and visiting dignitaries.

“Fourteen million dollars”? I never sold tickets to my show! Wait a minute — Ramirez!?!? You little rat! You’ve been scamming me behind my back. I want my cut!

Hawaii to change constitution

Hawaiian governor George Ariyoshi, upset with the constant flow of tourists in the islands, has suggested an amendment to the Hawaiian constitution that would allow the Hawaiian Parks and Recreation Department to kidnap tourists and encase their bodies in cement in the breakwaters off the island coast. Commented one spokesman, “If that doesn’t cut down on tourism, wait until they see the pagan sacrifices we have lined up.”

Politicians strike back at hoodlums

Capitol police in Washington, DC, are worried about a recent turn of events in which politicians, upset about the constant muggings they have suffered at the hands of hoodlums, have formed gangs of their own to roam the streets late at night, spoiling for a fight. So far, no one has been hurt. But, as ringleader Sam Hiyakawa of California tells POWER NEWS, “I can’t wait to beat up some punks.”

Carter to sell war planes

President Carter today told reporters at a press conference that he intends to uphold his promise to sell F-111 fighter planes to the Safeway grocery chain to aid in that store’s battle against shoplifters. Following the delivery of the planes, all Safeway stores will be closed for one week while pilots familiarize themselves with the individual approaches for strafing runs.

Navy sub base at Lake Tahoe

There were some red faces at the Pentagon in Washington this week when it was discovered by POWER NEWS reporters that the Navy is building its new top-secret nuclear submarine at a dry dock in Lake Tahoe. Navy brass conceded that there may be some problems commissioning the sub for use, as there is currently no way to get it to the ocean. White House staffers, meanwhile, are conducting sensitive high-level negotiations with daredevil Evel Knievel.

Carter ousts Iranian diplomats

Although many Americans applauded President Carter’s recent ousting of Iranian diplomats, the president himself is apparently furious that he forgot that his brother Billy is half Iranian. As a result, Carter has had to assign over forty Secret Service agents to search for White House furniture that Billy sold at a swap meet before leaving the country with Amy.

Some prices down

The President’s Council of Economic Advisors this week released figures that show that even though the country is suffering from runaway inflation, Americans are working fewer hours to pay for many necessities. Chairman William “Spunky” Nutbunger told POWER NEWS, “The average American is paying less for authentic shrew bone lip stretchers, motorized iguana stimulator replicas, sandpaper flavored gum, colored concrete overcoats, radioactive slum housing, and lucky bingo charms and pendants. I don’t know what everybody’s complaining about.”

George Wallace in the running again

Doctors in Alabama told POWER NEWS that the two hip surgeries they performed on governor George Wallace were a complete success, and that Wallace now intends to run for president again. Says one doctor, “He showed us his Too Hip card, so we had to operate. I should have known he would leave without paying his bill.”

Spinks endorses Kennedy

In a surprise move, ex-boxing champion Leon Spinks has publicly endorsed senator Edward Kennedy. According to witnesses, when asked for the endorsement, Spinks wrestled the presidential hopeful to the ground, signed his name on the back of Kennedy’s $400 suit with a cattle prod, and took the senator to a bank, where he shoved Kennedy through the teller’s window and demanded 50¢ in cash from a startled bank employee.

Guadalumbia seized

In South America, a group of Instantista guerrillas have seized power in Guadalumbia, and are threatening to stop all exports of instant coffee to America unless Mrs. Olson is once again allowed to make TV commercials. Advertising executives, meanwhile, are trying to prove to the guerrillas that Mrs. Olson died late last year in a cocaine explosion, and refuses to sign a new contract.

Chrysler to save the hostages

Chrysler president I. Uzacoka has sent Joe Garagiola to Iran to tell the students holding the embassy, “release a hostage, get a check.” Says Joe, “It may be dangerous there, but at least they can’t scalp me.” Meanwhile, sources close to the Ayatollah say the offer will receive consideration only after Khomeini is promised a new Cordoba with seats made from the skin of the deposed Shah of Iran.

Carter opens campaign headquarters

In an effort to save money in his bid for re-election to the presidency of the united states, Jimmy Carter has hired divorced Turkish go-go dancers to staff his campaign headquarters in Washington, D.C. Instead of routine typing and filing, however, the president plans to have the girls stage live, nude topless and bottomless shows to lure in potential voters.

Latest Ford accident

Ex-president Jerry Ford is in the hospital today after a serious accident in which he fell down some stairs, kicked himself in the head, bit one of his own ears off, and knocked out one of his teeth with his elbow.

Brown’s blue car found

The mysterious disappearance of Governor Jerry Brown’s blue Plymouth was partially solved this week after it was discovered caught on some reefs off the shore of Florida with a trunk-full of Cuban refugees, Governor Brown told POWER NEWS, “That’s the last time I let Teddy Kennedy borrow my car.”

Carter declares war on legislators

Capitol Hill law-makers who have been complaining about recent attacks by a swarm of motorcycle thugs were in for a big surprise this week when it was discovered that the leather-jacketed terrorists are members of the Carter family. The first family’s undeclared war on the legislators was uncovered by an administration official who became suspicious of large early morning deliveries of Billy Beer to the White House.

Billy Carter moves into the White House

Up to his old tricks again, POWER NEWS learned today that Billy Carter last night drove his Cadillac sedan into the lobby of the White House, where he says he plans to stay — along with a delegation of over 700 Canadian seal wrestlers whom he has invited to live with him in his new quote home unquote. So far, brother Jimmy hasn’t said anything about the new arrangement, and chances are, he won’t. Says Billy, “if he tries to make me leave, I’ll tell everybody he wears his wife’s underwear to bed.”

Politician feared missing

Las Vegas police are searching the desert today for the body of local politico Wiley Fey, after Fey reportedly convinced casino owner Vince “Splatter” Linguini to back his entry in the World Series of Poker. Fey, unfortunately, immediately lost all of Linguini’s money on the first hand of the first game. Fey was last seen leaving the casino after telling a friend that he had to see a man about some horse.