Power News :: Celebrities

Suzanne Somers to be sacrificed

Actress Suzanne Somers this week confirmed rumors that she is still a virgin, and confided that the only man she will go all the way with is Surf Punk band Leader Dennis Dragon. Says Suzanne, “I moved to the beach just to be near him. And when I get my hands on his body, the surf won’t be the only thing that’s up.”

Looks like you’re in for a long hot Somers, there, Dennis.

Sophia and Carlo

Although Hollywood weddings are often thought of as temporary at best, Sophia Loren and husband Carlo Ponti have managed to remain together. Part of the reason, according to Sophia, is that they keep the excitement in their marriage by burying the children in the woods surrounding their home and then hunting them down with savage attack dogs. Says Sophia, “Someday I suppose I’ll write a book about it, but for right now it’s a good way to keep my weight down.”

Savalas uncovered

Producers for an upcoming CBS movie-for-TV have apparently changed their minds about using Telly Savalas as the male lead after discovering that Savalas is NOT a negro. Said one inside source, “We were always told that he was John Amos’ twin brother. How were we supposed to know any different?”

Jackie Smith despondent

Charlie’s Angel Jackie Smith learned today that she is no relation to radio personality Frazer Smith. Tough luck, Jackie.

Donny Osmond dead

Utah Sheriff’s deputies told a press conference that they are holding Debra Glenn Osmond in connection with the death of her husband, singer Donny Osmond. So far, few details have been released concerning the incident, but it is believed that Donny starved to death in his home because his wife didn’t know how to cook.”

Mick Jagger lands a job

Although several dozen people crowded into the Ma Maison restaurant to party with Rolling Stone’s singer Mick Jagger, none of them stayed to help Mick with the bill when Jagger discovered that he had left his wallet at home. As a result, Jagger was put to work washing dishes for the rest of the night. After he finally worked off his debt, however, owner Patrick Terrail begged him to stay on, and offered the millionaire $2.65 an hour to start. Said Terrail, “I don’t know who that boy is, but he sure does know how to wash dishes. He’ll probably get a raise real soon.”

Dick Clark’s youth secret

TV personality Dick Clark this week told POWER NEWS that he manages to stay the eternal teenager by drinking a glass of bodily secretions from sacrificial virgins prepared for him by KLOS air personality Al Ramirez. Says Clark, “I don’t know what I’d do without my daily tonic, and it’s getting harder and harder to find a virgin these days. But, if anyone can get them, Al can.”

Letterman beats boredom

NBC morning man David Letterman told POWER NEWS that he has finally come up with a way to keep from being bored by the many people he meets. Says Letterman, “Right after we shake hands, I grab a pair of pliers and pull out all of their teeth. It’s better than drugs for me, and it really keeps my crew on their toes.”

Rockefeller going nuts

The financial community was jolted this week with the rumor that billionaire David Rockefeller might be going insane. The speculation comes on the heels of a shopping spree in which Rockefeller entered a New York store and purchased forty-five thousand dollars’ worth of flasher dolls. Said Rockefeller, “I wanted troll dolls, but they were all out.”

Van Patten finds the way

POWER NEWS learned that actor Dick Van Patten credits ancient exotic religious rites for his marital bliss. Van Patten says that every morning he prays to his wife for sex and spare change, before going to work. Says Van Patten, “This religion has made my life complete. I still take a lot of LSD, of course, but nobody’s perfect.”

Elke Sommer out for Soupy

Sexy actress Elke Sommer, who has raised the temperature of many a man in her day, herself has the hots, and it is for comedian Soupy Sales. Although Sales claims that he will have nothing to do with her, that hasn’t stopped Sommer from sending Sales Volkswagens filled with marijuana. Says Sommer, “Sooner or later, he’s going to get the munchies, and when that happens, I’ll be right there.

Bon appetite!

Don Rickles gets his

When TV funny man Don Rickles decided to take advantage of modern-day hair transplant surgery to cover his bald spot, he knew that he was going to be in for some ribbing, but he didn’t know just how far it would go. As a result, he was as surprised as anyone when he was picked up this week by Las Vegas Pest Control Authorities, who didn’t recognise the comedian with a full head of hair. “In fact,” said Chief Officer William “Bat” Strangler, “We thought he was one of those giant shrews from California we’ve been hearing so much about.” Rickles himself isn’t laughing, but his wife told POWER NEWS, “As fan as I know, Don isn’t a shrew, but he does look a little like Leon Spinks.”

Marie Osmond to be popped

Momma Osmond has evidently decided that it is finally time for daughter Marie Osmond to learn the facts of life, which is why she has given her approval for Marie to begin dating the rock band BTO. Says she, “So far, I haven’t been able to get ahold of their members, but I’m sure that Marie will be able to.”

Ma Maison ice capades

When the air conditioner broke down in the elite Ma Maison restaurant in Beverly Hills, owner Patrick Terrail playfully began tossing ice at his overheated patrons. When some of the diners complained, however, Terrail responded by locking the doors of the eatery and dumping garbage on their tables. When Terrail dumped a bucket of gravy over the head of regular customer David Niven, though, Niven decided that enough was enough, and stabbed Terrail with a butter knife. Said Niven, “He should know better than to serve from the right like that.”

Mick Jagger hassled in Little Tokyo

Well, it seems that the really big stars can never go anywhere without being harassed. I’m talking about Mick Jagger, of course. Jagger, who was on his way to dinner with model Jeri Hall in Little Tokyo last night, flew into a rage after a pair of young men approached him and asked if he was comedian Frazer Smith. Jagger first tried to punch the young en, and then attacked the surprised contestants of the Japan Week Beauty Contest, while the two men grabbed Ms. Hall and ran. Jagger is recovering from wounds he received from the beauty contestants, but police have been unable to locate Ms. Hall.

Travolta’s lives

While many of his friends are worrying about a possible conviction on his recent animal morals charge, actor John Travolta is confident that he convinced the jury that it is natural for him to chase tine rodents and go on drinking binges with reptiles. Says John, “I can prove I was a shrew in a past life. I only sleep two hours a day, and I often eat several times my body weight every 24 hours. I just hope that the judge isn’t jealous of my fur.”

Full moon out

Well, the full moon was out last night, and it belonged to none other than Marlon Brando. Brando, who is usually completely inaccessible, allegedly went on a binge and ordered his chauffeur to drive around at random while he flashed his moor at startled observers. Film at eleven.

Thompson/Blues Brothers hoax backfires

Thursday night proved to be more than just the night before the weekend for more than three thousand passersby on Sunset Boulevard who noticed a large free-for-all party being held in the Tower Records parking lot. What started out as a hoax put on by writer Hunter S. Thompson and actors John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd, however, soon assumed a different tone when thousands of people took their “Nixon in 1980” fundraiser seriously, and began showering the so-called promoters with money. Always the generous one’s Belushi and Aykroyd have offered to use the money collected to help offset funeral expenses for the remains of several of the donors who were shot by Thompson for food for his Doberman puppies.

Simmons in a pickle

Kiss bass player Gene Simmons had a hard time convincing bank authorities in New York that he had nothing to do with an automated teller machine that suddenly began spewing out thousands of dollars when he stepped up to make a deposit. Said one bank employee, “The machine must have thought Simmons was Frazer Smith. This town just hasn’t been the same since he left.”

Bryant concerts cancelled

Concert promoters in Wisconsin have refused to book anti-gay advocate Anita Bryan because of rumors that she belongs to a family of vampires. Says promoter Wink Leeper, “I just don’t feel safe putting a crowd of people in the same room with that woman and her family late at night. Those teeth give me the creeps.”

Miss America pageant host

Officials of the Miss America Pageant have refused to bow to pressure to re-hire Bert Parks, and have instead signed actor George Burns to a fifty-year contract for the job. Parks, meanwhile, has asked Congress to pass a law declaring him a national dog sanctuary, to be called Bert Dogs State Parks.

Frank Sinatra to adopt Frazer Smith

In show-biz news, singer Frank Sinatra has alledgedly put out a contract on his son Frank Jr, and has initiated legal proceedings to adopt comedian Frazer Smith. Frank Sinatra Jr could not be reached for comment.

Bette Davis taking the big plunge

Actress Bette Davis told a stunned audience at her Bel Air home that she feels she has been crowded out of the acting profession by the current bumper crop of young actresses, and is therefore seeking a sex-change operation. Says Davis, “If George Burns can do it, so can I.”

Unknown Comedian signed

Director John Frankenheimer told POWER NEWS today that the Unknown Comedian has been signed to play the part of hijacker D.B. Cooper in an upcoming film entitled “Pursuit.” Film at eleven.

Ron Ely in new movie

Game show host and ex-TV Tarzan star Ron Ely is reportedly signed to a top-secret movie deal as a result of his being named host to the Miss America Beauty Pageant. Although not much could be learned about the new flick, which is entitled “Down Under,” POWER NEWS has learned that it deals with Australian wildlife, and co-stars Georgina Spelvin, Marilyn Chambers, and Linda Lovelace.

Allman going for a younger woman

Rock star Gregg Allman stunned doctors at the Southern Regional Drug Detoxification Center in Mobile, Alabama, by announcing he has decided to marry a younger woman. Allman says he plans to divorce current wife Cher Allman and marry young pop singer Cher Bono.

Jackie O likes cheese at her feet

Jetsetter Jacqueline Onassis denied rumors today that she wears the soul of late husband Aristotle Onassis in a bottle around her neck to ward off evil spirits. Said Jackie, “That sounds like something Jackie K. would do. I have a bottle around my neck, sure, but I wear it so people will eat cheese at my feet. I just love it.”

Ronstadt and Williams no look-alikes

The Hollywood rumor mill is churning furiously with the news that singer Linda Ronstadt and actress Cindy Williams have undergone simultaneous cosmetic surgery together in an exclusive sea-side hospital. According to the rumor, the two are hoping the surgery will make them into Donna Summers look-alikes. Says one mutual friend, “I guess they just wanted to be taller.”

Marine biologist accuses Hope

Marine biologist Dirk Snorkley this week accused comedian Bob Hope of actually being a dolphin. Said Snorkley, “Have you ever heard him laugh? And the shape of the skull is identical to the skull of a dolphin. I won’t even mention the nose.” Hope, meanwhile, was reportedly vacation somewhere off the coast of Hawaii and could not be reached for comment.

Police arrest Paul Williams

Police arrested entertainer Paul Williams today after he accidentally threw several hundred cases of empty beer cans from the window of his private 747 while flying upside-down over Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas. Said one Caesar’s Palace employee, “We didn’t mind the litter, but he was getting bigger laughs than Shecky. We had to do something.”

The Osmonds

Well … The Osmonds are in the news again …

Richard Prior and Darryl Gates

Police answering a family disturbance call in Studio City this week were surprised to find police chief Darryl Gates handcuffed to a bed, and comedian Richard Prior standing over him with a whip.

Soupy Sales and Don Adams

Comedians Soupy Sales and Don Adams today revealed that they have never been married to each other.

Andy Gibb desparate

Although the Bee Gees are among the elite of rock artists who have a star on Hollywood Blvd, things haven’t been going well for younger brother Andy Gibb, who was arrested yesterday after police received a report that the singer had been seen trying to pry his older brother’s bronze star out of the concrete. When questioned, Andy told POWER NEWS reporters, “I didn’t want to sell it or anything. I just wanted to put it on a chain and wear it around my neck.”

Bob Hope not washed up

When it come time for veteran comedian Bob Hope to put in his appearance at a charity dinner in Chicago, recent heavy snows mode it all but impossible for him to get to the gala event. Hope, however, couldn’t resist entertaining the occupants of his own hotel by slipping into their rooms and rifling their valuables. Hope then apparently made his escape from the snow-locked city by forcing several of the hotel employees to carry him to California inside a laundry truck full of watches and jewelry. Chicago police told POWER NEWS, “Right now, the only way we can get everything back is to find the laundry stubs. Otherwise, we can’t touch him.”

Jackie Onassis

Neighbors of Jacqueline Onassis in the exclusive Martha’s Vineyard area of Massachusetts are protesting Jackie’s latest hobby, which is fox hunting. According to reports, Onassis not only rides her horse backwards inside of a borrowed Mercedes Benz, but also is in the habit of leaping to the ground to strangle the fox with her bare hands at the end of the hunt. Film at eleven.

Lee Majors: Superchicken

When a small group of teenage autograph seekers spotted actor Lee Majors out for a night on the town with his date Darlene, the one-time bionic man reacted immediately. Leaving his date to fend for herself, Lee sprinted for a nearby cab and disappeared for several days. When he did turn up finally at a local bar, Majors told POWER NEWS that he left because he had suddenly remembered that he had to wash the garage at home.

Mark Hamill

Privacy-conscious “Star Wars” hero Mark Hamill yesterday flew into a rage and attacked an elderly couple with a rototiller at his Malibu home. Although Hamill later claimed he hadn’t recognized his own parents, he went on to say it didn’t make any difference. Said Hamill, “You’d think they’d have learned not to stand directly in front of me when I’m mad.”

Albert Einstein reincarnated

The body of Albert Einstein came back to life today and stunned the scientific community by revealing his latest theory which he says proves not only that the moon is square, but also that it is inhabited by a gigantic black mole, which intends to devour the earth.

George Meany dies

Union leader George Meany died Thursday after 62 years in labor. Hospital spokesmen said that before he died, Meany gave birth to an eight-pound, eleven-ounce communist.

The Shah of Iran to get a job

The Shah of Iran told reporters today that he is going to try his hand at becoming a disc jockey. “I haven’t had much experience at it,” admitted the Shah, “But I’m real rich … does that count?” The Shah went on to say that he hopes to tell witty jokes on his new job, and play Middle-Eastern music backwards at high speeds to listen for hidden messages.

George Burns: Poor sport

Actor George Burns this week proved that he is not only still alive, but a poor sport as well. Burns, who has taken up tennis in order to meet nymphomaniacs, became incensed after losing in straight sets to a punching bag, and attacked a nearby crowd, decapitating several spectators with the sharpened edqe of his racquet. Burns then gassed several other people to death with cigar smoke before leaving the court. Police are currently seeking Burns, who was last seen on Santa Monica Blvd waving a $20 bill.

Leif Garrett to be examined

Court-appointed psychiatrists are examining pop singer Leif Garrett to find out why he trampled several fans at a suburban Chicago record store earlier this week. According to police, Garrett was recognized and immediately surrounded by three or four dozen hysterical female fans while doing his shopping when he panicked, crushing many of the smaller fans beneath his new white loafers.

Hunter S. Thompson eats out

Employees of the Scandia restaurant on Sunset Boulevard were surprised when journalist Hunter S. Thompson burst through the front door wearing see-through army fatigues and demanded a private room. Thompson didn’t have time to let the waiters clear him a table, however, and proceeded to spray the upper-class eatery with nerve-gas. Thompson then ate all the food he could find and left — without paying.